Why the Bible? Ravi Zacharias at the University of Illinois

Saturday, July 12, 2008

It's Been A Long, Lonely Road

And it's not over yet. The last 18 months of our lives (and possibly longer) have certainly been the most trying we've ever experienced. For the sake of brevity, I'll only outline the details. My husband and I adopted a child from another country. The child had multiple special needs. After having custody of the child for four months, we realized that we could not give the child what was necessary and our once peaceful home had been completely turned upside down. Our biological son was acting out badly at school, we were not bonding with this new child nor the child with us, and we were constantly battling some sort of odd or even destructive and self-mutilating behaviors. So we disrupted and the child is now in the perfect family. I can't give any details other than that.

The purpose of this blog is to leave all of that painful ordeal behind and to move on with our life as a family. Also, I really, really need the creative outlet of a journal. I know myself well enough to know that I just won't keep up with a hand-written journal. I don't have the patience, nor the endurance to sit down and write out my thoughts in long-hand. I always find my handwriting gets worse the more I write so.....I made the difficult decision to get back up on the horse after I fell off and was nearly killed. I was crushed, but have picked myself up, brushed off my clothes and got back on the keyboard, much to my husband's chagrin. It's been a few months and I finally feel like I can get a fresh start.

I had a blog (two, actually) that I kept through the whole adoption process, right from the very beginning. I lost friends because of the feelings I spilled onto the screen. I held nothing back and that was my downfall. I was completely and painfully honest about everything we went through. Some that I thought were friends just could not (would not?) understand. I have to wonder if they were ever really our friends in the first place. Perhaps they had some hidden issues with us from the beginning and the ill will they harbored came out when they should have been offering support.

Another reason we've lost friends is because they didn't like that we adopted again so quickly after disrupting. First of all, it is no one's business how many children we adopt or the timeline in which we choose to adopt them. For the record, we are done, but if we wanted to adopt another and another, that is our business. Secondly, we did not seek out this baby. A physician of ours knew the difficulty we were having with the first adoption, so he sent us an email from a list he is a member of, that stated there was a baby born three weeks previously who had lost his adoptive family due to unforeseen special needs and the agency was desperate for a family for him. He was about to be discharged from the hospital where he had spent his entire life so far and they had nowhere for him to go. We called this agency, gave them our information, faxed them an updated homestudy (which incidentally had been approved for two children) and out of 20 families, they chose us. Two days later I was on a plane to another state and he was placed into my arms. Four and a half months later, he is a most important part of our family. Our biological son adores him, he is flourishing, and we couldn't be happier. Now, imagine my heartbreak when I wanted to share this blessed event with those who had been privy to our nightmare, and all we got from them was.......nothing. Emails that I sent got no response. When I tried to find out why, all I received were hateful accusations. And we were told in no uncertain terms that we were not welcome at our local special needs support group events. You find out who your friends are when you go through trials beyond your capacity to bare which reveal your limitations. People who you have given your friendship and support to often turn a cold shoulder when you need it in return.

Anyway, I will speak no more of the events that have nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown. The purpose of this blog is to share what happens when the clouds roll away and the sun begins to shine on you again. I just hope that I can bring some joy to the lives of you who read my ramblings. My children are such precious gifts as all children should be to their families. In spite of their disabilities, I want to share their accomplishments with you. I want the world to know that even though they started life at a disadvantage, they can still have significant acheivements; that they still have worth in the eyes of the community. And that God DOESN'T make mistakes.

God bless and please feel free to leave any comments that you think will add to the content of these writings. If you have a problem with anything I have written, please be conscientious with the words you choose to use. I won't brook any disrespect. God knows, I have had enough of that.

2 comments:

Tom and Deb Dougherty said...

Hi Martha~In celebration of our first year of meeting Anya, I went back to our post on 8-5-07. You had left a comment. I went on your profile and saw you have a new blog.
I just wanted to say that I will always remember you fondly; 1. for being the first one to come into our home with Aidan in tow,and gifts, to support us, after we received the news that Tommy (in utero) had Down syndrome. You invited us to the new baby meeting, which was so helpful to us. 2. How you came to our home, after Tommy passed away to support us once again, with dinner and kind words of support. God bless you and your family.

The Recke Family said...

Hi Martha!
I have been thinking of you and found that you had created this new blog. I feel so bad for you in light of reading this post. I had no idea you struggled so with it all. Please know that you have friends in me & Tom...who else was there to share time with in Budapest?! :)
I trust that God has been in control of everything and that He helped orchestrate the adoption of two precious children, however it unfolded. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you!
Tami